I had an epiphany the other day.
One I’m sure others more evolved than I probably had long ago. It may have been more like a ‘duh’ blip on their radar screen, but mine flashed, ‘EPIPHANY!’ in bright lights. What can I say? I’m a slow learner.
I realized I was unconsciously giving my insecurities a prominent position in the forefront of my mind every day. Sort of like a dangling carrot, a rotten one at that, ever swaying in my peripheral vision as a constant reminder of my shortfalls.
It became a vicious cycle, with the carrot acting as a blinder, giving me negative tunnel vision that played repeats on a loop on the TV in my brain. And I wondered why I felt like a negative nelly all the time.
Years back, I remember taking stock of my life and wondering if this was it. I mean, on paper, I have it all…great family, roof over my head and everything I need. But the problem with paper is that it’s flat. And so was I. I became a spectator in my own life. Not interested in much, and honestly, not interesting at all.
And that’s where my self-proclaimed epiphany comes in to play. What if instead of a nasty old carrot, I used something fresh instead? What if every day (or more often as needed in my case) I could flip a switch, turn my back on my insecurities and consciously put my securities out at the forefront?
So I tried it, and guess what? It works.
Is it instant gratification? No way. It’s gradual, more like a dimmer switch than an on/off button. Well, at least mine is. Maybe those highly evolved people I referenced earlier have the button that delivers immediate results. But mine is different. It requires a little effort. I like mine better because of the effort though. Working for something makes me appreciate and value it more, which helps with long term results.
The change was slow. Actually I didn’t notice the brightening until it was, well, bright. Please note that I didn’t say perfect…just bright. And bright is good. Bright is not 24/7 though. Let’s face it, life is not rosy all of the time. And there were no guarantees that it ever would be, so I can live with that.
Right now I’m at a good place with my kids. Not perfect, just good. I know that can change on a dime—hello teenage hormones- but right now is a good stretch. And dare I say that the good seems to be building on itself? I’m secure about it, so I dare.
My husband and I seem to be from the same planet these days too—or maybe he’s learned to speak Venus and I, Mars. Either way, it’s a security. It’s two people on the same team with the same goals. We have each other’s backs. Again, it’s not perfect all the time, but it feels positive and secure. And like with the kids, it’s seemingly exponential.
Mistakes…I’ve made a few. I still to beat myself up about much of them, which does nothing but lead to insecurity. I recently read an amazing book by Glennon Melton called, Carry On Warrior, which cleverly informed me that I have permission to forgive myself and move on. Another duh, but I own it, it's my duh. Sort of like the ruby slippers…I had the ability all along but was too shortsighted to realize I held the answers. I take good care of myself in so many ways, and now I see that my soul needs just as much attention as my calorie intake and exercise regimen.
I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity many times—and I mean many, over the last few years to quote the phrase, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. What I have come to realize is that the promised strength is on a dimmer switch too, and the strength is gradual, not instant.
Today’s life would have kicked the ass of 10-years ago me. But present-day me stands back up, brushes her bad self off and moves forward. That’s a giant security for me—that I can handle what’s next. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been before. It doesn’t mean that I’m never scared, have all the answers or make the best decisions (read: recent accidental group text gone wrong), but there’s a peace inside of me that keeps dangling my securities out in front, encouraging me to forge ahead.
It’s incredibly encouraging to sit back and look at my life and think, ‘yes, this IS it,’ after all. My circumstances haven’t changed. I didn’t win the lottery, my house is still a mess and my brain continues to be a junk drawer. It’s just what I’m choosing to feed my soul that’s different. Something that I do every day because hey, I decided I’m worth it…and guess what? You are too.
xo
One I’m sure others more evolved than I probably had long ago. It may have been more like a ‘duh’ blip on their radar screen, but mine flashed, ‘EPIPHANY!’ in bright lights. What can I say? I’m a slow learner.
I realized I was unconsciously giving my insecurities a prominent position in the forefront of my mind every day. Sort of like a dangling carrot, a rotten one at that, ever swaying in my peripheral vision as a constant reminder of my shortfalls.
It became a vicious cycle, with the carrot acting as a blinder, giving me negative tunnel vision that played repeats on a loop on the TV in my brain. And I wondered why I felt like a negative nelly all the time.
Years back, I remember taking stock of my life and wondering if this was it. I mean, on paper, I have it all…great family, roof over my head and everything I need. But the problem with paper is that it’s flat. And so was I. I became a spectator in my own life. Not interested in much, and honestly, not interesting at all.
And that’s where my self-proclaimed epiphany comes in to play. What if instead of a nasty old carrot, I used something fresh instead? What if every day (or more often as needed in my case) I could flip a switch, turn my back on my insecurities and consciously put my securities out at the forefront?
So I tried it, and guess what? It works.
Is it instant gratification? No way. It’s gradual, more like a dimmer switch than an on/off button. Well, at least mine is. Maybe those highly evolved people I referenced earlier have the button that delivers immediate results. But mine is different. It requires a little effort. I like mine better because of the effort though. Working for something makes me appreciate and value it more, which helps with long term results.
The change was slow. Actually I didn’t notice the brightening until it was, well, bright. Please note that I didn’t say perfect…just bright. And bright is good. Bright is not 24/7 though. Let’s face it, life is not rosy all of the time. And there were no guarantees that it ever would be, so I can live with that.
Right now I’m at a good place with my kids. Not perfect, just good. I know that can change on a dime—hello teenage hormones- but right now is a good stretch. And dare I say that the good seems to be building on itself? I’m secure about it, so I dare.
My husband and I seem to be from the same planet these days too—or maybe he’s learned to speak Venus and I, Mars. Either way, it’s a security. It’s two people on the same team with the same goals. We have each other’s backs. Again, it’s not perfect all the time, but it feels positive and secure. And like with the kids, it’s seemingly exponential.
Mistakes…I’ve made a few. I still to beat myself up about much of them, which does nothing but lead to insecurity. I recently read an amazing book by Glennon Melton called, Carry On Warrior, which cleverly informed me that I have permission to forgive myself and move on. Another duh, but I own it, it's my duh. Sort of like the ruby slippers…I had the ability all along but was too shortsighted to realize I held the answers. I take good care of myself in so many ways, and now I see that my soul needs just as much attention as my calorie intake and exercise regimen.
I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity many times—and I mean many, over the last few years to quote the phrase, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. What I have come to realize is that the promised strength is on a dimmer switch too, and the strength is gradual, not instant.
Today’s life would have kicked the ass of 10-years ago me. But present-day me stands back up, brushes her bad self off and moves forward. That’s a giant security for me—that I can handle what’s next. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been before. It doesn’t mean that I’m never scared, have all the answers or make the best decisions (read: recent accidental group text gone wrong), but there’s a peace inside of me that keeps dangling my securities out in front, encouraging me to forge ahead.
It’s incredibly encouraging to sit back and look at my life and think, ‘yes, this IS it,’ after all. My circumstances haven’t changed. I didn’t win the lottery, my house is still a mess and my brain continues to be a junk drawer. It’s just what I’m choosing to feed my soul that’s different. Something that I do every day because hey, I decided I’m worth it…and guess what? You are too.
xo
RSS Feed