A letter to my daughter:
I’ve been watching you. When you think no one is looking, I am and I want you to know. I have seen what you are doing and I can’t keep quiet about it any longer.
I saw you at Auntie’s birthday dinner when your sister was at camp and you were the only big kid around. You happily sat with your little cousins who are in awe of you. You got lost in the moment with them…you filled them up without realizing you were giving them a gift. You were giving them you.
And I saw the whole thing.
Daddy called me one morning after he dropped you off at school and had a catch in his voice. After you got out of the car, you rushed to the aid of a girl on crutches to carry her bag. A girl that is exclusive and not always considerate of you. He saw you and was so humbled by your grace. Your principal saw you too and signaled Dad by making a heart with her hands.
They were watching and you didn’t know it. You didn’t know it but you did it anyway.
During family dinners when we ask about your day, you are overflowing with information and knowledge to share with us. I am taking it all in…and apparently you are too. I sit in awe as you recite statistics, Latin translations, important dates, and enlighten us about civilizations from long ago. I give credit to your teachers, but I give more credit to you for being interested and taking it all in. People who are interested in learning are interesting people.
You, my dear, are interesting.
I was listening the day you decided it was time to learn how to play guitar. You sat strumming away on Dad’s Fender, and with YouTube, time and patience, I listened to you slowly figure out how to make the strings sing. It wasn’t perfect, but you tried, and that’s what made it beautiful.
And I got to hear that.
The other night when I was tucking you in at bedtime? You looked me in the eyes and said with all sincerity, “Mama, you are a nice lady.” I know the situation that prompted you to say that to me, and hearing your words felt like winning the lottery. Your sweet compliment told me that YOU are watching and seeing and noticing too.
You are getting it.
You are growing into someone who doesn’t just look inward anymore, but who looks out and around. Promise me you won’t stop doing that, okay? It will take you places literally and figuratively that wouldn’t be possible if you only looked within.
You are going places my girl. It is in you to soar high and shine bright.
And I’m the lucky Mama who gets to see the whole thing.
xoxo,
Mom
I had an epiphany the other day.
One I’m sure others more evolved than I probably had long ago. It may have been more like a ‘duh’ blip on their radar screen, but mine flashed, ‘EPIPHANY!’ in bright lights. What can I say? I’m a slow learner.
I realized I was unconsciously giving my insecurities a prominent position in the forefront of my mind every day. Sort of like a dangling carrot, a rotten one at that, ever swaying in my peripheral vision as a constant reminder of my shortfalls.
It became a vicious cycle, with the carrot acting as a blinder, giving me negative tunnel vision that played repeats on a loop on the TV in my brain. And I wondered why I felt like a negative nelly all the time.
Years back, I remember taking stock of my life and wondering if this was it. I mean, on paper, I have it all…great family, roof over my head and everything I need. But the problem with paper is that it’s flat. And so was I. I became a spectator in my own life. Not interested in much, and honestly, not interesting at all.
And that’s where my self-proclaimed epiphany comes in to play. What if instead of a nasty old carrot, I used something fresh instead? What if every day (or more often as needed in my case) I could flip a switch, turn my back on my insecurities and consciously put my securities out at the forefront?
So I tried it, and guess what? It works.
Is it instant gratification? No way. It’s gradual, more like a dimmer switch than an on/off button. Well, at least mine is. Maybe those highly evolved people I referenced earlier have the button that delivers immediate results. But mine is different. It requires a little effort. I like mine better because of the effort though. Working for something makes me appreciate and value it more, which helps with long term results.
The change was slow. Actually I didn’t notice the brightening until it was, well, bright. Please note that I didn’t say perfect…just bright. And bright is good. Bright is not 24/7 though. Let’s face it, life is not rosy all of the time. And there were no guarantees that it ever would be, so I can live with that.
Right now I’m at a good place with my kids. Not perfect, just good. I know that can change on a dime—hello teenage hormones- but right now is a good stretch. And dare I say that the good seems to be building on itself? I’m secure about it, so I dare.
My husband and I seem to be from the same planet these days too—or maybe he’s learned to speak Venus and I, Mars. Either way, it’s a security. It’s two people on the same team with the same goals. We have each other’s backs. Again, it’s not perfect all the time, but it feels positive and secure. And like with the kids, it’s seemingly exponential.
Mistakes…I’ve made a few. I still to beat myself up about much of them, which does nothing but lead to insecurity. I recently read an amazing book by Glennon Melton called, Carry On Warrior, which cleverly informed me that I have permission to forgive myself and move on. Another duh, but I own it, it's my duh. Sort of like the ruby slippers…I had the ability all along but was too shortsighted to realize I held the answers. I take good care of myself in so many ways, and now I see that my soul needs just as much attention as my calorie intake and exercise regimen.
I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity many times—and I mean many, over the last few years to quote the phrase, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. What I have come to realize is that the promised strength is on a dimmer switch too, and the strength is gradual, not instant.
Today’s life would have kicked the ass of 10-years ago me. But present-day me stands back up, brushes her bad self off and moves forward. That’s a giant security for me—that I can handle what’s next. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been before. It doesn’t mean that I’m never scared, have all the answers or make the best decisions (read: recent accidental group text gone wrong), but there’s a peace inside of me that keeps dangling my securities out in front, encouraging me to forge ahead.
It’s incredibly encouraging to sit back and look at my life and think, ‘yes, this IS it,’ after all. My circumstances haven’t changed. I didn’t win the lottery, my house is still a mess and my brain continues to be a junk drawer. It’s just what I’m choosing to feed my soul that’s different. Something that I do every day because hey, I decided I’m worth it…and guess what? You are too.
xo
It was recently brought to my attention that I use a lot of ‘sayings’ throughout my day. What comes around goes around, don’t judge a book by its cover, the glass is half full, etc… I always ask my girls if they understand what I mean, never wanting to miss out on a teaching moment.
It was my 7th grader who pointed it out one day when she was impatiently waiting for water to boil. Full mac and cheese anticipation. ‘A watched pot never boils,’ spilled out of my mouth. ‘I know Mom, you’ve said that, like, a million times,’ she said, apparently impatient with me too. ‘You always say things like that.
’Huh. I didn’t realize that had become my thing. Could be worse.
So you can imagine my delight when she came to me yesterday and seemed excited to add a saying to our growing mental list. A mischievous smile spread across her face, then she spoke these wise words...
'Don’t poop in the stew.'
Well. Not quite a classic and, um, well...pretty gross. However…
I had good chuckle about it because I am immature and bathroom humor is right up my alley. Then my daughter and I got down to brass tacks and dug deeper into the meaning.
This is not simply a literal directive, one that I can't imagine many people need to be told, but hey, different strokes. There is more here than meets the eye. My daughter explained it this way. Say someone goes to the trouble of making a delicious stew and puts it on a stovetop to simmer. Then, someone else comes along and drops in the tiniest, most infinitesimal amount of poop. The stew is ruined. Even a molecular drop renders the whole batch garbage-worthy.
Much like negativity, gossip or a selfish agenda can ruin a relationship. Or whiney and fidgety kids can ruin a family dinner out, or a long car ride, or a trip to the grocery store.
Ahh.
We've all been to that restaurant, in that car, or pushing that shopping cart. And how many times have we been in situations that leave us feeling marginalized or cut down to size by seemingly the smallest of things. An eye roll, a disapproving once over, or a passive aggressive comment meant to be funny, but the little bit of truth in it stings. Our actions, or inactions, have so much more power than we realize.
Confession. I have ruined my share of stews over the years. It has taken the form of negativity…when my glass has felt half empty, I over shared. I was a big fat negative Nelly. More subtly, I have been less of a giver in some relationships and more of a taker. Never with intention, but looking back, I see that I did it. Withholding vulnerability is not good for friendships. I have pooped in the stews of people I love and care about. I’d much prefer to be a ray of sunshine than, well, poop.
Easier said than done, another oldie but goodie. So is, actions speak louder than words.
If I know that I need to be slapped in the face with these reminders, that likely means my kids do too. Yes, the words are catchy and easy to spout off (I’m proof, my children will confirm this), but their meanings hold so much more value and beg to be discussed! So that’s what we do. It’s often annoying, sometimes appreciated, but always done to gain understanding of the big picture.
My takeaway in this is not to keep track of other peoples’ pooping habits, only mine. I want to shine the spotlight on me, to look within, and challenge myself to make my personal interactions positive ones. Truly, why would I want them to be anything less?
Years ago, I cut out and taped a quote from a magazine on the inside of one of my kitchen cabinets, a gentle reminder in a high traffic spot. The corners are curling and the tape has yellowed, but the message still holds true and it is a far prettier way to say ‘No Number Two in the Stew’.
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.”
-Mother Teresa
It’s so simple!!!! Can you picture our world if everyone followed that guideline in tending to their stews? It gives me chills. The key is remembering. Remembering that withholding a smile can have just as enormous an impact as giving one. This is not about grand, sweeping gestures of kindness, but more about humble acts. And recognizing the power that each of us has every single day, to shine our lights or cast shadows.
Okay, so I hereby vow to leave my friends, family and complete strangers, better than when I found them. I will become the Poop Nazi. NO POOP FOR YOU! (Please get my Seinfeld reference, please get my Seinfeld reference, please get.....) My stew pooping days are over. From now on it's hugs, smiles, gentle arm squeezes and confirming peoples' existence. I mean, this isn’t rocket science people…easy peasy, lemon squeezy, right?
Making lemonade,
Abby
Some people consider me their 'go to' person when they need help. If I make a promise to someone, I keep it. Even if it is a ridiculous inconvenience to me, I will hold up my end of the bargain. I deliver.
However, there is one person in my life that repeatedly does not keep promises to me. She continually blows me off and it's getting on my nerves. I know she has the time, and I truly believe she has the best of intentions, but I am left holding the bag when things are left undone. It's a really sticky situation because you see, the person that keeps letting me down, is me.
I would never in a million years put anyone off like I do myself. Most days I am last on the long checklist of my own life. Seriously, I would not allow someone to treat me the way I do. That relationship would have ended long ago. Bitterly. There would have been words...bad ones.
I have a few projects that are lingering uncompleted, and hanging over my head. I want to pour myself into them, but instead I fuss with laundry and camp forms and pour a glass of wine instead.
For example, I have four writing projects started. However now they would have to be labeled: stalled projects. They are each exciting to me in their own regard, but for some reason I'm not letting myself get lost in them, or even visit them for a spell. So they sit, waiting to be worked on, tweaked, tinkered with and brought to life.
Don't get me wrong, I get stuff done. Housework? Check. Laundry? I'm on it. The grocery store is my bitch, and I can MacGyver a meal like nobody's business. Need help studying for a 6th grade Egypt final? Call me. Help with 4th grade math? I'll call a tutor. Thoughtfully selected gifts are my specialty, mostly purchased way in advance. I'm organized. I plan. So you can see that I'm not your traditional, one size fits all slacker. I don't slack where others are concerned, just where I am.
So why is it that I have such a hard time keeping promises I make to myself?
This has been on my radar for a while now. So much so, that for Lent, I gave up procrastination. It was awesome. I was productive. And for me, productivity = satisfaction. So by my calculations, I should have felt the afterglow of having my To Do list constantly checked off. But that wasn't the case. I waited for the feeling of accomplishment to wash over me. But there were no Zen moments, no Hallelujah Chorus or any fanfare whatsoever.
Guess what? My calculations were off. Way off. Just getting stuff done is NOT the secret to life's happiness. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Life is a journey, not a destination." I've heard this a million times...we all have. But I've been so busy with my head down, in check off mode, that I have been missing the journey. I bet I'm in good company too. The prize my eye has been on is the destination, which in my case has been a successfully checked off, stupid list. Sadly, this mentality has crossed over to the creative part of my life, and that's why, I think, MY stuff goes undone. The stuff that gets my juices flowing, like writing and...simply creating. I have turned these outlets into chores to check off on my To Do List. And we all know, chores suck.
Bottom line...I don't hold myself accountable the way I should. I am overly generous in the grace giving department when it comes to me. Didn't get to any writing today? Ah, don't worry about it. You were busy. No time to read a daily devotional or slap some words in a journal? No worries, no harm, no foul. I let myself off the hook WAY too easy. And I really believe this behavior holds me back...why would I hold myself back? Fear of failure? Fear of success?
Ugly truth? Maybe a little of both. Nobody wants to look like a loser, to come up short with an audience of our peers. And the pressure to maintain success, well that's a heavy load. Because if it isn't maintained, it's back to loserville. And people can be really judgey about other people's business.
So what's the secret sauce to letting myself enjoy my passions? A few months ago I would have said, organization is the answer. If my house is clean and all my 'chores' are complete, THEN I can really dig into writing or doing those right-brained activities that fill my tanks. If I stay on top of things, I will create more time to create, right? WRONG. How did I get to the point where running my vacuum takes precedence over my passions? I have it all wrong, but I think I can hit the re-set button and turn this thing around.
I read something recently that basically said, intention is great, but without execution, it is pointless. A lightbulb went off in my head when I saw this. But I proved to myself with my Lenten procrastination experiment that intention and execution alone, don't provide the satisfaction that I thought it would. There has to be more.
intention + surrender + execution = satisfaction
So I need to be purposeful in my intention when it comes to my creativity. I can't treat it like a chore or squeeze it in between orthodontist appointments and running carpool. I need to carve out respectable amounts of time to let the ideas and words flow without pressure. And during those times I need to surrender to the moment and not feel guilty about spending time doing something that I love. Surrender is the secret sauce. I think this formula will lead to me truly getting things accomplished...not boring To Do List items, but real goals. Will I write the great American novel? Doubtful. But this great American will be fulfilled.
So the dog hair tumbleweeds, dust and dirty dishes can wait. I have a promise to keep and there's this really awesome chick I can't let down. Huh, there it went...the Hallelujah Chorus.
xo,
abby
Have you ever been in a rut? I've been in one for a while, but feel like I'm getting close to a transition. I'm on the cusp of moving in a new direction, putting a new spin on my life, but I keep falling back into a holding pattern.
So I go to that middle place for a while, then begin the climb again. Backslide, then climb. This holding pattern is no stranger to me and I'm learning, albeit slowly, about what makes it tick.
The holding pattern keeps things simple. 'Status Quo' would be its mantra. It has a negative attitude about change, and repeats 'What if?' constantly, like a toddler asks 'Why?'.
'What if I have to go back to work, I will miss out on so much at home.'
'What if we have to sell our house, won't neighbors judge?'
'What if we move to another state, will I be lonely and alone?'
'What if my writing projects aren't successful, will people think I'm a joke?'
The holding pattern can find a dozen reasons not to pursue something...it's too hard, you aren't smart enough, it will never work. It prevents me from failing and protects me from hurt. What I realized though, is that the holding pattern 'protects' me from success too. It holds me back from living a full life, from experiencing the highs along WITH the lows.
You guessed it, I am the holding pattern. Status quo? Yes please! Change? Yikes, no way! I seem to be my own worst enemy. I am living in this middle ground that isn't really living. I'm just sort of waiting, but for what, I don't know. I've been doing this for so long now, that it is all I know. I am stuck in my own story. Half of me is methodically working on getting unstuck, and the other half is feverishly putting on the brakes and holding on for dear life. I am at odds with myself. Fear is running my show.
I have spent years trying to figure out just who I am, and time after time have come up empty handed. I feel like a blank canvas that is being wasted. No masterpiece is being created. Instead, the space is being filled with scribbled out do-overs, well meaning to-do lists, missed opportunities and false images of what I think I SHOULD be. Precious time wasted...posturing and people pleasing, but not being me.
Time to stop the madness and put an end to my journey/quest/search to 'find' myself. A-hem, I'm right here by the way. I have the sole authority and responsibility to CREATE who I choose to be. This is purposeful stuff, nothing is floating out there somewhere waiting to be discovered. It is all right here, WITHIN me, waiting for me to tap in and start the show.
It is time to break free of my story and create a new one. I need to start answering the 'What if?' questions.
What if I have to go back to work? SO WHAT?
Seriously, millions of people do it everyday and live to tell about it. My world has become a tiny little bubble and breaking out of it would be good for me. Financial security is NOT overrated.
What if we have to sell our house? SO WHAT?
Downsizing is not a character flaw. I can make a home out of a cardboard box if I have to. I'm good at stuff like that. My family under one roof = HOME. Period.
What if my writing projects never take off? SO WHAT?
I have enjoyed every moment of these projects and experienced clarity and confidence in myself. Writing is cleansing for me...sort of like free therapy, and who would pass that up? Most importantly I need to remember who I am doing this for anyway. Oh yeah...ME.
So is being a failure better than living in the unknown? Uh, yeah. Trying is living, and the alternative is the holding pattern where nothing happens. I'm tired of waiting for my life to happen TO me, I'm ready to join the ranks of those that MAKE things happen. Of course I'm still afraid, it's just that now I'm ready. Ready for a challenge and change. Ready to embrace the unknown instead of obsessing about it yet avoiding it at the same time.
Remembering though, that Rome wasn't built in a day is key. This is a process of baby steps interspersed with some calculated leaps. There is a fabulous Theodore Roosevelt quote that resonated deep in my core. Before I share it, be it known that normally I am a sharer of quotes from inane things like bad movies, cheesy sitcoms ('We were on a break!') and pop songs, NOT quotes from past presidents. So you know this is going to be good. Prepare yourself.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, ...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
Wow. Teddy and I could have been friends. This says it all...the ones that make the effort are worthy of credit, EVEN IF THEY FAIL. And guess what? They will. I will, you will, we all will. Success wouldn't exist if there was no failure. And I love that he references the middle place, it is strangely validating, mainly because I have spent so much time there. But I refuse to be that middle person anymore, I'm hungry for the victory but i'm also ready for the defeat too. Mainly, I want to be in that arena.
I want to kick the unknown in the you know what, knock it to the ground and march my way into my wondrous future...flaws, fails and all.
No more holding pattern, I'm ready to fly.
x-freaking-o
abby
The grass is always greener on the other side. I have believed that in my heart countless times. Until today. Today I read a quote that helped me see that some of my 'less than' feeling might be self inflicted.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence; it's greener where you water it.
WATER YOUR BLEEPING GRASS Abby, geez. Duh. I know...it's so simple, so obvious, and that's why I love it. My grass is my grass. I don't get to have anyone else's grass, I get mine. So I better make it the best damn grass I can. I'm going to be proud of it, embrace it and nurture it. It's mine and I'm gonna own it.
Here's a great example...I live in a wealthy community. I am a 'have not' swimming in a sea of 'haves'. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I have college degrees, own our home and two cars and live extremely comfortably. To many, ours is the greener grass. But in comparison (the root of all evil...why do we do it?!) to our neighbors, we don't stack up. Lots of opportunities to marinate in the juices of my insecurities, trust me. But over time I've learned that even if I was a 'have', I am not a livin' big kind of girl and status items don't excite me. I just don't need much to make me happy. But I can and have gotten caught up in coveting the grass I don't have instead of appreciating all that I do.
With refreshed eyes I look around and my grass IS green. I embrace my not so perfect house and not so perfect family and hold them close to me. There is a lot of love on my side of the fence. Connections are made here that run deep. But the ability to make those connections only came once I got real with myself.
Transparency + Vulnerability = Keeping It Real.
THAT'S what fills me up. Connecting with my people makes me feel whole. And isn't that what life is all about? Let's face it, life is too short to spend it focusing on anything but the good in it. Are there bad things that crop up? Of course. But guess what? Most of those situations teach us lessons, have silver linings and make us stronger...if we let them. Sometimes we let the bad stuff own us and that's when other people's grass looks greener.
So I'm going to treat myself to a cute, new watering can to serve as a reminder to tend my grass. I will use it every day, nourishing all the wonderfully real stuff on my side of the fence.
xo,
a.m.
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